Someone very dear to me just turned 21, today, and I wish I was spending time with her, right now! Unfortunately, this year, her birthday falls on a Monday - and a rainy, windy Monday at that! Not to mention she had a quiz and a lecture, today.
That is just her luck.
So, I would like to dedicate today’s writing to a charming timeline depicting the life and times of my beautiful, kind, selfless, hard-working, and intelligent friend! Let’s celebrate 21 years of Georgia’s rotten luck!
Age 0
Georgia was born just early enough that she could start Kindergarten in less than 5 years, but not late enough to start in more than five years, making her younger than most of her classmates.
It was therefore not surprising when she ended up being among the shortest in her class for the first few years. However, Georgia eventually had to accept that she was never going to grow as tall as her peers, as she was fortunate enough to inherit the “shortness gene,” while her brother and father tower in height above all others in their vicinity.
Age 1
Georgia’s biological parents abandon her in Mexico, leaving a note saying only “Adios!” Her current parents pick her up and adopt her, thinking she will be an excellent babysitter for their anticipated favourite child.
Age 2
Georgia struggles to adapt to her new environment and to pick up the English language. Due to many misunderstandings and mistranslations, she bites her future best friend, Valerie, forging a grudge that would remain strong until the meet again in 11 years.
Age 3
Georgia holds Lemon Pledge for the first time, discovering her passion for obsessive compulsive cleaning. She is not good at it, yet, but merely sprays copious amounts of Lemon Pledge on the floor, earning her a largely misunderstood and unexplained childhood nickname. Her parents decide to throw newspapers all over the place instead of actually addressing the problem.
Age 4
Georgia meets her most awesome uncle ever and is instantly enthralled by his wickedly awesome sense of humour. However, she fails to socialize with her other family members due to the language barrier. Her uncle sympathizes and spends time with her, helping her develop her adoration of comic geniuses.
Age 5
Georgia’s parents don’t bother to explain to her Kindergarten teacher that English is her second language, so the teacher simply believes that she is a troublesome and inattentive student. This teacher later informs Georgia’s high school math teacher of Georgia’s quietness within the classroom, making her future math teacher hate her for no good reason and act like a total dick.
Age 6
Georgia’s baby brother has been dubbed the “better child,” and she has to put up with his shit all the time. I mean that literally. She has to clean his dirty diapers! Disgusting!
Age 7
Georgia has finally begun to understand English, and manages to read the label on the Lemon Pledge containers. As a result, she hones her cleaning skills. From this day forward, any house that Georgia will live in will be consistently spotless and, I swear to God, Georgia will be the only one responsible for that, and her parents still don’t care about her.
Age 8
Georgia’s brother is now 2 years old, and she dresses him up in girl’s clothes and gives him purses to carry. She calls him “Warrenita” and “Chica.” I swear, nobody I know finds drag funnier than Georgia does, and nobody I know pretends to be effeminate as well as Warren does.
Age 9
Georgia’s origins are finally known, and her mother begins collecting financial support from her biological parents.
Age 10
Georgia joins her local church’s youth group at this age, which causes her to, later, be stuck with me. I am constantly thankful for this, because we never went to the same grade school, and I’m not sure we would have met if we hadn’t attended the same church.
Age 11
Georgia marries Link, Ganondorf, and Lucius Malfoy, none of whom she knows. I have recorded proof of this. She is also recorded to have melted into a pile of candle wax and to have vomited all over her own wedding cake.
Age 12
Georgia attends middle school, where she meets exclusively awesome people. Like, the most awesome people ever. She tells me she walks around the halls, hitting people in the forehead with her pencil case. For some reason, I can never forget that image of short George, walking around with a pencil case in hand, stretching to smack innocent people in the face. It’s fucking hilarious!
Age 13
Georgia joins Pathfinders at my discretion. There, she is confronted with her nearly life-long nemesis, Valerie, who has not yet forgiven Georgia for biting her when they were tiny tots. “From ancient grudge break to new mutiny, where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.” Tension builds between the two until they become loyal BFFs suddenly and inexplicably.
Age 14
The three of us - Georgia, Valerie and I - have been dubbed “the three musketeers,” and I am very touched when I fail my Pathfinders’ Gold Camp and Georgia and Val withhold their graduation - which they had rightfully earned - in order to wait to graduate with me. Also, there was a “Kodiak moment” when our Guider creepily pointed only at Georgia while addressing everybody else except her at a Pathfinder meeting.
Age 15
Georgia attends high school, where she, again, meets only the most awesome people ever.
Age 16
Georgia, along with our local church’s youth group, aids in writing the script for the Christmas Pageant. We find it fucking hilarious due to the fact that we had lines such as “S’up?” and “Bigger lights, bigger party.”
Age 17
Georgia’s grade 12 year… as a 2010 grad, she experiences only the best prom ever with the most endearing prom date anyone could ask for.
Age 18
Georgia’s gets to work with me at the best job EVER and we FINALLY get to go to the same school. As it turns out, we never saw each other EVER and our schedules ONLY opposed each other. And then, our job went out of business so we lost our job. MAYBE if GEORGIA hadn’t brought her AWFUL luck, there, we would STILL have our jobs! THANKS, GEORGIA. (Still worth it to work at the same job as her.)
Age 19
Georgia leaves town to go to a more distant university because I FAIL as a friend and neglect to tell her that I chickened out and planned to stay at our local university. Her parents, who don’t care, give her a note saying “Adios!” just to make sure the message is clear.
Age 20
I have an awesome video of Georgia drunk out of her marbles on the day she turns 20. She hasn’t seen it, yet, but she will, and I will someday play it at her underwater wedding. She claims that she has no desire to get married, but I think her, Val, and I should have a wedding ceremony for the fun of it.
Age 21
This begins today, for Georgia. And I wish her the best of luck - or at least improved luck - especially in the near future, because we have some exciting stuff to look forward to!
Georgia, I love you SO much! Thank you for 21 years of being one of the most awesome people in my life, and I can’t wait until I see you, next!
And remember: only 2 more years until you turn 23!
Author’s note: I did exaggerate some events in the story for a dramatic effect. For example, Georgia’s adoptive parents do care about her, just not as much as they care about Warren.
No comments:
Post a Comment