As a writer, I have thoughts that people tell me I shouldn't have. I'm not supposed to think about what if, I'm supposed to focus on what is.
However, it is an artist's job to create. I believe we all struggle with this.
So, I wonder about what I’m not supposed to wonder about. For example, what if I were to die next week? Realistically speaking, I will be alive and well in a week’s time.
(But, what if?)
What if you were going to die, next week?
Maybe you don’t have enough money to travel very far. Maybe, luckily, there are people nearby who you’d like to visit.
Maybe there is someone dear to you with whom you’ve always wanted to spend as much time as possible. Now, your time is limited in a very tangible way.
But, what if they didn’t have time for you? Limited as it may be, it is a waste to invest time in the soon-to-be deceased. Perhaps you are asking too much? Have you considered how difficult it is for that person to have to witness you dying? Are you worth it?
Fortunately, there are others, people who love you unconditionally, and they have time for you. Even if you insist that they needn’t, they find it unquestionable, nonnegotiable, that they see you. They will stay with you until the very end, and you are very grateful.
But it’s cruel that, close to the end, you find yourself missing the person who had no time for you. You won’t contaminate the kindness of those present with your feelings, and you won’t inconvenience the one you miss by requesting their presence.
Instead, you’ll suffer silently, until it no longer matters.
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